I think that everyone struggles thru their teenage years. We all had our different struggles. I am going to write about some of mine. I am going to start back in Junior high.
It was 6:00 a.m. and time to get up. I hit the alarm and just lay in bed for a minute. Am I ready for another day? Not really, but do I have a choice? I get up and pick out my clothes for the day. I walk to the bathroom to take a shower. My mom comes out of her room and tells me to make sure I am ready for school in time to ride the bus. My dad has dialysis and my mom has to get to work early this morning, so no one can drive me to school.
I tell her I will. How can I tell my mom that I dread riding the bus? She will just say that I should be greatful to have a bus to ride to school. If she only knew why I
h@ted it. If she knew why I would purposely make myself late for school so that she would have no choice but to drive me to school or why I would fake sick just to stay home.
I didn't like schooll. No it wasn't because of the schoolwork..although I really didn't apply myself when it came to school work. I never had confidence in that area. I was always to afraid to ask teachers questions when I didn't understand something. I was totally intimidated by my teachers or anyone who had any kind of authority over me. It was because of kids.
I had a few friends in junior high, but you could never call me popular. I didn't have the coolest clothes or nice hair and I wasn't very pretty. I have naturally curly hair, which in junior high I didn't know how to maintain. It was frizzy and shaped like a triangle or a mush room (had to make it 2 words because it won't let you write it as one word.. I guess it is bad?). Looking back I was a little funny looking. You know kids.....most don't think about how their words or actions affect people. I am going to sum up a typical day for me using events throughout junior high.
I am now walking to the bus stop which is behind my house. I am hoping that Stephen isn't going to ride the bus today. As I turn the corner to go to the bus stop (which is right behind my house) I see him. I feel my stomach start to churn. I get there and he sees me and says "Look it's Pat" (pat from saturday night live). I want to turn around and go home, but I can't. I would die before I tell my parent's I am an unpopular . So I stay. Suddenly Stephen starts throwing rocks at me. I tell him to stop, but then the other boys join in. One of them Tells me, "Patti, did you know that you are about the ugliest gir lin the world?"". I am thinking *YES*, but I say nothing. He then says "You will never have a boyfriend or get married because you are ugly". I so want to cry at this point, but I just hold it in. I just keep hoping the bus would get her. Not that the bus is any better, but it just means it is closer to the end of the day.
The bus finally gets there after what seems like an hour. We all line up and climb in. As I approach the bus driver, I hear it starting all over again. I see the looks and I see the kids sliding over so that I cannot sit down by them. I hear the heavy set kid with the light hair (I cannot remember her name) call out Hi Potty..I mean Patti! ". One of her friends says "Hi mush room head!". I just ignore them and find an empty seat. I just try to ignore them and act like it doesn't bother me, but I am crying inside. I try to figure out how many days are left untill the end of the year. It is only January so too many to count.
I have another reason to be nervous today. In my 2nd hour english class I have a debate on Gun Control. I am on the Con side, which I totally don't agree with, but hey it's a debate sometimes you don't have a choice which side you are on. I tried very hard to get facts to back my side, but it was hard since I didn't agree. I liked the idea of gun control. So I knew my side would be weak. To top it off I had to get up infront of my peers and talk. Alot of the kids in my english class didn't like me, so I wasn't looking forward to it.
I go to my homeroom class, which isn't too bad, afterall my best friend Mindy is in that class too. The hour seems to go by too fast. It is time for my debate in English class. *Maybe I can fake bad cramps and go to the nurse..no I have to do this to pass English*. The bell rings and it is time. I tell Mindy I will see her in 3rd hour P.E.
I get to my English class. I try to find my seat before Zach sees me. He was the only boy that actually liked me. A few weeks before he had his friend pass me a note it said "Patti, I like you. Will you go out with me? Which New Kids On The Block tapes do you have? I can get you what you don't have. Zach ". As nice as Zach was, I just didn't like him like that. I never replied. I was too afraid to say no, so I just ignored and avoided him...which looking back was a lot more mean than if I would have just said no to him to begin with. (Throughout my life I have had trouble telling people no, or how I feel). Phewwww!!!! I get to my seat and he hasn't arrived yet!
Mrs. Sant begins the debate. I am getting more and more nervous as each team goes up. Our team was last. I t was my turn. I get up there and I just want to puke. Everyone is looking at me. I see kids whispering and laughing as they look at me. I start my speech and the snickers and whispers continue. Right in the middle of my speech I hear Vince make a comment that hurt me bad. I finish and go to my seat. Class is dismissed.
As I walk out towards my P.E. class, Vince walked up to me and continued to make fun of me. He told me that I looked like I hadn't washed my hair in days and my clothes looked like they came out of the P.E. lost and found. *OUCH!*. He said that my speech was horrible. I don't remember what else he said, but infront of everone the tears just began to run down and I was sobbing. Mindy saw me and helped me get passed everybody. She told me not to listen to them and that I was a great person. We talk as we go to P.E. I am still embarrassed that the whole school just saw me cry, but atleast I have my best friend by my side.
(A few years later Vince was arrest and charged with another kid from my highschools mom in a Smitty's parking lot. He was trying to mug her. She started going histarical and he got nervous and shot her. I never liked Vince.).
The rest of the day was a blur and the bus ride home was just like the bus ride to school. I get home and the house is a mess. The kitchen is filthy. It was my little brothers turn to do the dishes last night, but he didn't do them. My brothers hardly put any effort into their chores. My mom worked full time and didn't have the time to clean between that and caring for my dad. my dad was sick with diabetes and kidney failure. So ofcourse I am left to clean the house. I really didn't have much time for homework between cleaning the house and helping take care of my dad. I would be his gopher and bring things to him. He was really sick so he needed a lot of help from us.
Along with being sick, my dad was grouchy. Something that only started since he got sick the last few years. He would complain about the house and tell us that the reason he was dying was because we stressed him out too much and we were noisy, etc. I don't like thinking about those times, but they happened. Even then I realized that my dad wasn't like that before he got sick..so it was the sickness talking.
After dinner, I would go hang out in my room most nights. My room was my sanctuary. I loved being in there. I would talk to Mindy on the phone, redecorate, or listen to music in there. It was a safe place for me.
I remember many nights when my dad was really sick or in the hospital (which was a lot) I would go in my room and cry, and pray. Everytime he went to the hospital I was scared that he wouldn't return home. It is so scary to be faced with you parent's mortality at 13.
